Drinking chamomile tea and watching Criminal Minds… This is the life? A book called The New Codependency sits near my clutter to the left as I intensely type these words. I WANT OUT. Yes I am thankful for friends and family, shelter and comfort, food and water; But I just figure there must be something else. I wake up in a haze wondering if this is my life and if I am really spending another day doing something I do not love around people who I do not desire to be around. All I can think is that this much change.
I have never been one to quit so quitting college is not an option. I am in my fifth year and it would have been all for nothing to quit right now. I think it is time to start planning the life I am seeking after college.
Do you ever wake up and feel like you are in a life that can’t possible be your own…Or at least you hope it’s not really yours?
If one more person says “That’s gay” in any part of the world while I am present. I might literally scream.
We might as well start saying that’s male, that’s black, that’s white, that’s christian. Why is that?
BECAUSE WE ARE ALL EQUAL HUMAN BEINGS. For the part of the population that thinks homosexuality is a sin think about this:
You are telling someone that love is a sin. So is hate more acceptable? Because the hate that fills your heart and soul is inevitable.
I could change the perspective of the world instead of dreaming big and thinking I’m just one girl
Thank god for Minnesota where I was born and raised and least now it’s legal to be gay
I got friends who like guys, friends who like girls, does that make them a small part of this world
No wait, that would be the ignorant, turning around calling out your differences like a bunch of bigots.
They gives us the order, give us the time, than tell us that this difference is a crime
Damn, I wish they’d make up their mind.
I just will never understand…Why love should have rules. You can’t help who you love and you should never try too.
The Master Cleanse (Lemonade Diet)
So I am sure people have heard about the master cleanse diet, cause I mean Beyonce did it so it is SUPER good for you and health. Yeahhh Right.
First of all I guarantee Beyonce did this with assistance of some serious vitamin supplements and whatever else celebrities have that will help them with nutrition. So she does a diet and now everyone does it. Maybe we should all shave our whole head like Miley Cyrus…Oh wait.
Anyway I was desperate to lose weight for a photo shoot, Stupid and pathetic seeing as how I am trying to start a business for girls with body image issues (hypocrite) I decided to try this cleanse. The directions were to drink salt water during the morning, a lemonade substance (lemon juice, cayenne pepper, syrup, and water) it requires that you drink 8 glasses of this s#*$ a day, water, and my favorite senna tea aka LAXATIVE TEA. And NO EATING. No solid foods at all. I think my friend Katie thought I was actually secretly trying to commit suicide instead of lose weight when I told her this. And since she was so concerned I told her I would eat a small me a day with this diet, like a baby meal, not the size of a baby but the portion a baby eats in one sitting.
I am used to eating five HUGE meals a day smothered in grease..ugh Chipotle is my other half and Burger King is my secret lover. So I was not eating anything accept for some bites of my Perkins meal that Katie forced me to eat. And I was starving. I felt like death because all the cayenne was probably eating away at my stomach lining. We did Zumba for about 45 minutes that night and I still felt great. When I returned home I decided to drink my tea and some prune juice to speed up the process…WORST…IDEA…EVER!!!! I took three bathroom breaks. I never knew that liquid could come out of someones asshole!!! Sorry to be vivid and vulgar but WHAT THE F##@
Still having literal explosive bathroom breaks. And had my tiny meal of avocado pieces and an egg. I had a ton of energy though, some how, and exercised for about 45 mins! It was great. I even saw some results.
Well today is day 3..woke up to go to the bathroom..yay..
And hopped on the scale I lost 4 pounds! I was so excited until I looked in the mirror and noticed something awful. My top ab section was smaller and I still had some belly fat. This actually kind or really freaked me out. So I reread the review on Web MD
“Another risk of rapid weight loss is losing lean muscle. “
I naturally have abs on top so my natural muscle was disappearing a bit in THREE DAYS. And than I read a story on Health.com about a woman who tried the diet and gained it all back. I mean of course you would gain it all back, I wanted to eat ten bags of chips out of depression when I saw my abs.
Than it hit me..
NOT ONLY IS DOES THIS DIET MAKE YOU LOSE MUSCLE BUT IT IS BAD FOR YOU!!!
I could have gotten sick while working out and further destroyed my body from all the laxative tea. The moral of the story is never take the easy way out. I mean there are healthier ways to lose weight at a faster pace. One tip is to do 4 times as much activity as the calories you take. It takes 3,500 calories to lose one pound and that is not near impossible to burn. Our body’s are temples and should be nurtured not starved until we look like some skeleton with meat flaps.
Since I can’t sleep I decided to write a blog about women and the media. And I thought of one phrase.
WHAT THE F@%#
I mean you have women with such beautiful voices, Lilly Allen, being part of songs with T-Pain. I don’t have a problem with collaboration but estiacially the song is about a woman staying at home and waiting for a man to come home. He is out partying all and she is just waiting for him
Thank you media for giving me another thing to complain about. Just yikes.
When I’m at war with myself I ride”
-Lana Del Rey
Life is a constant battle but sometimes for some people the battle is so fierce within ourselves it causes us to lash out in ways we did not think were even possible. The battle with a Borderline personality can be so aggravating that it feels like you could just give up. The fighting with yourself and constant push and pull with others can be so hard to deal with.
The moment I figured out that I was a person living with Borderline personality syndrome, I can honestly say I felt like a freak. The first step with finding out about any personality disorder is self hate and angst. The a moment of clarity hit when I think back to every relationship I have had and I see how the push and pull factor was taking control of my life.
I push friends, family’s, and all loved ones away and then beg for them to come back. The worst thing is that this disorder is not among the popular more accredited ones (Bi polar, anorexia, etc)
People often do not understand and none of my friend’s and family know that I live with this disorder. They have no idea where my outburst come from. With my mind being so disorganized and chaotic it is often impossible to focus on any person at a time and this is hard for me since I am a Psychology Major.
Up until today I gave up. I figured that this disorder is nothing I could fix and that no one would understand. I decided to continue to act on my impulses that Borderline entitles and hurt everyone around me. But after a while and many broken hearts, tears, and constant suicidal thoughts you get to this point where it needs to end.
Instead of starting more FDA approved medications I have decided to take the more natural route in the treatment of Borderline. In researching I have found sites that are very helpful.
If you feel you have BPD this is a good site that has a list of symptoms. PubMed health
I am including this in my girls guide blog because as women the affects of BPD are way more severe. Breaks and loss of control hurt and effect you so much worse than in men. The thoughts and behaviors also tend to be more extreme. BPD is different from Bipolar disorder because BPD patients do not have manic ups and downs.
The advice I can give women with BPD is to seek help and diagnose as soon as possible. Therapy, journal writing, health eating, and personal space are very helpful in calming your mind and I will also have a mini series on women with BPD coming out very soon.
Mental illness is not a weakness or a crutch its a state of mind caused by your past, present, and future.
I could spend my day trying to figure out if his words on Christmas Day were some kind of trick to convince me to lay with him or if they were really his words. Though his eyes were so dilated from our stimulating conversation, His actions the next day never speak as loud as his words the night before.
So this is what I learned from spending a holiday with my first love:
I am BETTER THEN THAT: I am a great friend, great lover, and a person who is trying to better myself and in the process also better the world. Thus my life deserves to be celebrated and I need to celebrate myself
I am NOT HIS: I am my own beautiful entity that is just in search of other beautiful entities to have in my life.
His flaws are NOT MY PROBLEM: He can see the beauty in me, but can not even see the beauty in himself. I will never waste my time with someone so ignorant to the beauty in life and kindness of others.
I live for me, and will deny you the access to my heart. BECAUSE you are NOT worth it.
Every woman should remember this;
The man who is worth it. Will ACT worth it.